Golden Rings, Sticky Butter, and Stolen Kisses
by skittletree93
Summary: Jane's wedding band gets stuck on his finger and he enlists Lisbon to help him get it off.  Mainly just super fluffy and cute and completely ridiculous.


_This is mostly just really silly. It's totally out-of-character, but I honestly couldn't resist. Hope you like!_

**Disclaimer:** In fact, I do not own The Mentalist or anything remotely like it. Bummer.

(:

CBI Consultant Patrick Jane lay silent and mostly still on his couch, eyes closed and breathing even. One might even think he was sleeping soundly if the index finger of his right hand, which was draped peacefully over his left, wasn't tracing slowly around the gold band adorning his third finger. Suddenly, he stiffened and frowned, his eyes opening just enough to squint at his hands.

"Lisbon!" shouted Jane, sitting up and swiveling around so that his feet were planted firmly on the floor. "Lisbon!"

"What?" demanded an agitated voice from around the corner.

"Lisbon, I need help!"

"Geez, Jane," grumbled the dark haired agent as she entered the bullpen and stalked towards the consultant, her fiery green eyes flashing dangerously. "What could you possibly need my help for?"

"My—my ring," answered Jane in a low, nearly panicked voice as he twisted and pulled at the band. "It's stuck!"

"Well. That's a bummer for you. What am I supposed to do about it?" She was getting seriously irked at the disturbance he was making, he could tell from her tone of voice.

"I don't know! Help me get it off!" he insisted, nearly jumping up and down as he yanked and tugged at the unyielding ring on his finger.

"If you can't get it off, I'm pretty sure I can't get it off for you," snapped Lisbon, rolling her eyes irritably. "Do you mind? I've kind of got a lot to do. No thanks to you," she added waspishly, tossing her dirtiest look in his direction.

"How many times do you want me to apologize for that, Lisbon? How was I supposed to know that he would get all offended just because I accused him of murder?" He lost interest in his ring for just a moment as he raised his hands innocently.

"Ugh, you are _such_ a pain in my ass. Why do I even put up with you?" ranted Lisbon, turning on her heel and heading back towards her office.

"Oh, come on! Everybody makes mistakes!" he called after her, sauntering sedately behind. "Wait, Lisbon! Are you going to help me, or what?"

"Or what," she answered shortly, stepping into her office and slamming the door violently.

"Lisbon!" he whined, trying the door and scowling when he found it securely locked. _Or maybe not so securely_. Smiling brightly to himself, he whipped out his handy lock-picking kit and had the door open in no time.

"Jesus, Jane," growled Lisbon unsmilingly when she glanced up to find her consultant standing over her. "What do you want?"

"How do I get this off?"

Lisbon leaned back in her chair, closed her eyes, and huffed loudly, clearly attempting to reign in her temper. "Jane? Why don't you try running your finger under some cold water or something. Okay? And then leave me alone."

"Wonderful idea, thanks Lisbon!" grinned Jane.

"Yep. Now get out."

"My, my. Someone is _pretty_ grumpy today…" began Jane, but he never finished what he was going to say because he was too busy dodging the handheld hole-puncher that was suddenly flying towards his head. "Thanks!" he said again, ducking out of the room before she could hurl any other office supplies at him.

Lisbon shook her head in consternation but was unable to suppress the small smile that graced her lips. With a small sigh, she bent over the papers stacked in an exhausting pile on her desk and got to work, wishing she could be doing pretty much anything else.

"Lisbon?" came a small voice from outside her open door just a little while later. Jane rapped his knuckles lightly on the door frame, politely (for once) asking permission to enter.

"Yes?" she answered with a strained smile. "What do you need now?"

"I still can't get it off," he explained, collapsing onto her couch with a downcast expression.

_For the love of all things holy,_ she thought to herself, counting backwards from ten in her head. "Okay, Jane. Let's go into the kitchen and see what we can do about that damn ring."

"Thanks Lisbon," beamed Jane, leaping up from the sofa and leading the way out the door. Frowning, resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Lisbon followed reluctantly.

Once in the kitchen area, Lisbon immediately made a beeline for the refrigerator, opening the door and leaning against it slightly as she perused all of the contents. "Hmm," she mumbled to herself, eyes scanning expertly over the soda, water, ham sandwich, ketchup, potato salad and… "Butter," she said with a smile. "Perfect. Jane? Get over here."

"Mkay," he muttered, mind sputtering and pulse galloping at the whispery touch of her fingers on his as she grabbed his hand and jerked him closer. Then, with a secret smile and devilish glint in her eye, Lisbon plunged his whole hand into the butter container. "Ungh!" he gasped, his eyes widening in surprise as the cold butter softened and clung to his skin in a sticky, slippery mess. "Lisbon!"

"What?" she replied in her most innocent voice, but the effect was lost when she couldn't repress a chuckle. "I'm just trying to help."

"Sure you are," he grinned, shaking his head disbelievingly as he reached for a wad of napkins to get rid of the excess butter. "This better work."

"Why?" asked Lisbon, tilting her head and piercing him with her emerald stare. "Why do you want to take your ring off anyway? You wear it every day, all the time. I've never even seen you without it." The question had been bugging her ever since he first mentioned that his ring was stuck on his finger, but she hadn't mustered up the courage to ask until that moment.

"I wear my wedding ring because I want to wear it. However, if something is _making_ me wear it, it's a whole different story."

"Oh, I see," smirked Lisbon. "This is another one of your attempts to resist authority. Even the authority of nature."

"Yep, pretty much," answered Jane, panting slightly as he dropped the dirty napkins on the table and twisted and heaved at his ring fruitlessly.

"Jane, stop, you're doing it wrong," said Lisbon, trying to push his hand out of the way so she could do it herself.

"How can I possibly be doing it wrong?" demanded Jane, but he grudgingly allowed her to take control of the situation.

"You have to be more _gentle_," she explained quietly, lightly finessing the ring over his knuckle and finally off his finger in under ten seconds. "There you go." She dropped it in his hand, flashed him a brilliant smile, and spun around to return to her office.

"Lisbon, wait!" He grabbed her wrist and whirled her back around with so much force that she accidentally bumped into his chest.

"Oomph. What now Jane?" she scowled, taking a hasty step away, but he just took another step closer.

"I feel so light now," he murmured with a wondering look, almost as if to himself. "So unburdened."

"You know, I wish I knew what you were talking about. I really do, but unfortunately, I have no idea. And since I just wasted twenty minutes on you and your stupid ring, I'm pretty sure I should be getting back to my—"

Jane grabbed her waist and pulled her close, cutting her words off with a soft, sweet kiss. When one of his hands trailed up her back to get tangled in her curly hair, he felt her melt into him, responding to the kiss. But before he could get too excited…

"Hunh!" he wheezed, gasping in pain as Lisbon shoved him away and punched him in the gut. Hard. "Hey! What'd you do that for?" he demanded, rubbing his tummy with a groan.

"You know why!" hissed Lisbon in a shrill voice, glancing around nervously to ensure that nobody had witnessed their encounter. "When did I ever give you permission to _kiss _me?"

"Well, it seemed like you were giving me permission when you started kissing me back," chortled Jane, grinning in his regular smart-ass way. Lisbon's face strickened and she raised her hand again threateningly. "Whoa, okay. Sorry—I'm sorry. Just please _don't _hit me again. It kinda hurt." He winced and patted his middle theatrically.

"Good!" She glared ferociously at him, but the slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips lessened the bite quite a bit. "Where are you going?" she asked when she saw that he was heading back toward his couch in the bullpen, fingering his golden band thoughtfully.

"Back to work," he answered, flopping down onto his couch and shutting his eyes, his ring closed tightly in his fist.

"Nuh uh," she contradicted, stomping over and kicking the sofa, jolting his eyes open. "If you want to take a nap, that's fine. But you're doing it in my office where I can keep a better eye on you," she told him in a tone that left no room for argument.

"Hey!" he yelped as she grabbed his arm and lugged him up since he didn't seem to be taking the initiative himself. "Easy!"

"Come on," she instructed, keeping a firm grip on his forearm as she dragged him to her office, closed the door, and shut the blinds.

"Oh, good," nodded Jane. "Maybe you could turn the lights off too. That would really help me sleep better."

"Shut up, Jane," growled Lisbon, advancing on him in what could only be described as a predatory sort of way.

"W-what?" he stuttered, backing up until the back of his knees hit the edge of her sofa, forcing him to sit down.

"Shh." Crouching down in front of him between his knees, she linked her fingers with his, leaned forward, and captured his lips in a searing kiss. She only intended it to last for a second, but he apparently had other plans; before she could break away from the kiss, he bent down, wrapped his arms around her waist, and threw her onto the couch unceremoniously. "Hey!" she protested, caught by surprise by his actions.

"Shh," he whispered, repeating her word back to her as he scooted closer to her, held her chin, and pressed his lips against hers. At the first touch, her hands curled into fists around the lapels of his jacket, her tongue already just barely tracing his upper lip. Growling slightly, Jane immediately sucked her tongue into his mouth, pushing her up into the corner of the couch as he sought to get impossibly closer to her.

"What did I say about asking for permission?" gasped Lisbon when he finally tore his mouth away from hers to kiss her cheek, her jaw, her neck, behind her ear.

"Sorry," he breathed, sounding anything but apologetic as he zeroed in on her lips again. "Lisbon. May. I. Kiss. You. Pretty. Please?" he asked between kisses.

"Mhm," she replied, smiling against his mouth and wrapping her arms around his neck. Until a loud knock rent the air, causing the embracing pair to jump away from each other, Jane nearly toppling off the sofa in his haste. "What?" barked Lisbon, marching over to her desk and yanking her clothes back into place as she went.

"Boss?" asked Rigsby, cracking open the door and peeking inside. "We need Jane's help."

"Fine," she sighed, nodding in acquiescence and waving a dismissing hand in Jane's direction. "Jane, go help them."

"Okay!" agreed Jane, just a little bit breathlessly. He ambled out of the office, whistling softly, his hands in his pockets, leaving the door ajar behind him. "Oh, Lisbon?" he asked, ducking back into her office at the last second.

"What?"

"Do I have permission to kiss you? Just for a minute."

"_No._ Now go help the team."

"Fine." He pouted and traipsed away, leaving an amused Lisbon grinning in her office, shuffling papers around.

"Wow," she murmured to herself, her fingers touching her lips in awe. They were still tingling and she couldn't help but prop her chin on her hand and allow her mind to relive each kiss and touch, her eyes drifting closed as she daydreamed…

_Knock, knock._

One eye snapped open and glared teasingly up at the beaming man hovering in her doorway.

"Hey, Lisbon?" questioned Jane, lifting his eyebrows hopefully.

"_No_, Jane."

(:

_Too goofy? Too ridiculous? Just right? Give me feedback, y'all! Nothing puts a bigger smile on my face (((:_


End file.
